So what’cha what’cha what’cha want?
You’re so funny with the money that you flaunt
Where’d you get your information from huh?
You think that you can front when the revelation comes?

Yeah, You can’t front on that!

Well I think I’m losing my mind this time
This time I’m losing my mind, that’s right
Said I think I’m losing my mind this time
This time I’m losing my mind

“So What’cha Want” Check Your Head

I’ve Got A Hole In My Head And There’s No One To Fix It
Got To Straighten My Thoughts, I’m Thinking Too Much Sick Shit
Everyone Just Takes and Takes, Takes, Takes, Takes
I’ve Got To Step Back, I’ve Got To Contemplate

Oh Yes Indeed, It’s Fun Time
‘Cause You Can’t, You Won’t And You Don’t Stop

“Sure Shot” Ill Communication

Have you ever really listened to the the lyrics of the Beastie Boys “So What’cha Want“? This song, as well as “Sure Shot” have been playing in my head almost non-stop for the past two weeks. They’re really brilliant songs, ones that I don’t think that I ever fully got before. Before, I began, that is, what I’d like to refer to as my MLC, (Mid Life Crisis). Or maybe it’s not a mid-life crisis at all! Perhaps in fact, it’s just Twin Eclipses within a Venus Retrograde period that I’ve mistaken for a mid-life crisis! One thing is for sure, turning 39 and this Eclipse a few days later, did a number on me.

I thought I had things figured out. I did my stint in therapy. I’ve grappled with thorny family issues and thought I knew enough about myself that 39 wasn’t going to phase me. But take a birthday party loaded with being the last of the 30’s, dozens of friends who were out of town that weekend, a Food Festival (which shall remain nameless since everyone knows it already) that everyone was dying to go to so they could stuff their faces with foie-grois donuts, and combine it with my MLC, and well, the word “clusterfuck” doesn’t begin to describe the situation!

Why? Because I’ve always thought that I could get through anything knowing that I had my friends behind me. I’m very devoted to my friends. But when friends you thought were close, have known for over ten years, and you see regularly, not only don’t come to your party (and are either secretly or not so secretly at that un-named Food Festival because an opportunity for endless all day eating is really terribly important–especially since not everyone got golden tickets!) but don’t even bother to wish you a happy birthday via email, but your corporate employer and your dentist DO wish you a happy birthday, well, that’s just a recipe for “What the Fuck Am I Doing With My Life?” thoughts right there! That and, “Either I’m being taken for granted, or some of my friends have early Alzheimer’s, and will they even remember who I am when I turn 40?“

I kind of saw it coming, and thought long and hard about canceling the party last minute and getting the fuck out of town where everyone else was going but couldn’t think up something with such short notice. Because, well I don’t HAVE a Summer Home to vacation to! I’m about to turn 40 next year and I don’t even own my apartment! So I went through with it, to the gory end, because I Can’t, Won’t, and Don’t Stop. Because, “I’m that kid in the corner all fucked up and I wanna, so I’m gonna.” And I’m very grateful for the few friends who did come, and joined me, in what I termed my MLC party. Sometimes crisis weeds out the superfluous.

So “What’cha What’cha Want?” Venus Retrograde ask the question. The Two Eclipses, (Solar, May 20, 7:47 pm edt, Lunar June 4, 7:12 am edt) in the middle are turning points that will guide you. What’s making you happy? What’s not making you happy? Are you putting your energy into the wrong things or people? Should you be walking in a different direction because you’re not growing? I know I’ve got a lot of re-evaluating on the TO DO list. When I looked at the chart of these eclipses and retrogrades and how they would and now are transiting through my 12th house, I thought I would have some sort of crisis of faith. And it turns out I am. I really hate it when I’m right.

But enough about me and my MLC. You have your own eclipse issues and Venus Retrograde questions to ask yourself! Think about it all while listening to the “What’cha What’cha Want? Twin Eclipses” playlist (on spotify here)!

And next year, and I’m planning on taking a Roman Holiday, by myself!